volksdragon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
volksdragon) wrote2006-05-16 01:52 pm
volksdragon) wrote2006-05-16 01:52 pm
Thoughts on object permanence of a sort
I'll give a little context, because otherwise this won't make any sense. Behind the cut is an email letter I wrote to my friend Kim, who's the mother of my first girlfriend in HS. The relationship between myself and Kim and her husband Mark was odd at the time I was dating their daughter for a few reasons, but we became very good friends a few years later.
They live in a truly amazing house just off of Corey Road in Brookline. It's a truly beautiful 3-floor house with a lovely tree-shaded back yard, a fish pond, a 2-level stone patio with outdoor grill, numerous huge rooms inside, and a cavernous basement. It was always a place of mystery to me, probably because of the rather imperious nature of Mark and Kim at the time I first met them and when I was dating their daughter, where he was a fairly prominent lawyer, she a fairly strict, highly-educated mother, and both of them so far above me in social status, education and etiquette and demeanor that it was hard not to view them and the house in a somewhat skewed manner. Nonetheless, they were always very nice to me, and I found behind the appearance were two genuinely wonderful, kind and funny people who welcomed myself and my family as friends of their entire family.
Now that all their children have moved out, had their own children, and bought their own houses, and now that they are becoming older and no longer need or want such a huge house, they are moving out. They invited us over to see the house before they sold it, because they knew the house was special to me as well as to their children. I and my daughter visited, and got to meet their new grandchild in the process, which was nice. Recently, Kim emailed me a link to the virtual tour of their house created by their realtor. I watched it a few times, and then I wrote her this email. Why am I posting it here? These are my thoughts, you might be interested.
Oh, and P.S.: I manufactured the Music field for this post because, well, it fits.
I just took a look at these panoramic shots of the house, and I have mixed feelings about it, so I thought I'd write you to tell you.
I think the work you had done on renovating the house was wonderfully done, and made the house much more practical and modern, and while it's nice to have these pictures of the house, in my memory the house is fixed at the point when I knew it best around 1990, before you renovated it to its current form. The house is wonderful now as it is, but it always felt like more of a mystery in its previous form, which is something I loved about it. I always felt like it was possible to get lost in your house, and I think that's a wonderful thing to feel about a house you know fairly well.
I will miss this house because of what it meant to me then, and because I have gotten so used to seeing all of you in it. As I told you yesterday about my grandmother's house, it hurt to not be able to see her again in her house before she left, as she and the house were so closely associated in my mind that they were inseparable, and seeing her anywhere else was always kind of an odd experience for me. It will probably be much the same with coming to visit you in your new location. It will be strange knowing there won't be any more cookouts in your yard, no sitting on the grass or on the porch and enjoying the beautiful roses that grow up the side of the house, but I know that seeing the two of you, regardless of the location of of where you reside, will still be a wonderful experience in itself, as it always is. Still, those times in the late 1980s and early 1990s are where my memory is indexed in regards to this house, much the way that the index of my grandparents and their house is based around 1986-1987, the years I spent the most time there as an older more independent teenager. I think there is a point to objects, places or people in life where you are enamored of that something to a high regard and still oblivious to whatever faults or downsides it might have, and that becomes the zenith point of your memory of that thing.
I feel we have a lot of things we will still talk about, and where I've been remiss in visiting you and spending time with you, I will remedy that in the coming years. I feel it will be impossible to repay the kindness you have always shown me, even when I was a less-understanding young man, but I hope our conversations can show how much I have learned from you and your family in the time we've known each other. Even if I can but approximate the level of parenting you displayed in raising your wonderful children, I have no doubt my child will turn out fine.
[FInal Closing paragraph left off because of boring stuff. :)]
They live in a truly amazing house just off of Corey Road in Brookline. It's a truly beautiful 3-floor house with a lovely tree-shaded back yard, a fish pond, a 2-level stone patio with outdoor grill, numerous huge rooms inside, and a cavernous basement. It was always a place of mystery to me, probably because of the rather imperious nature of Mark and Kim at the time I first met them and when I was dating their daughter, where he was a fairly prominent lawyer, she a fairly strict, highly-educated mother, and both of them so far above me in social status, education and etiquette and demeanor that it was hard not to view them and the house in a somewhat skewed manner. Nonetheless, they were always very nice to me, and I found behind the appearance were two genuinely wonderful, kind and funny people who welcomed myself and my family as friends of their entire family.
Now that all their children have moved out, had their own children, and bought their own houses, and now that they are becoming older and no longer need or want such a huge house, they are moving out. They invited us over to see the house before they sold it, because they knew the house was special to me as well as to their children. I and my daughter visited, and got to meet their new grandchild in the process, which was nice. Recently, Kim emailed me a link to the virtual tour of their house created by their realtor. I watched it a few times, and then I wrote her this email. Why am I posting it here? These are my thoughts, you might be interested.
Oh, and P.S.: I manufactured the Music field for this post because, well, it fits.
I just took a look at these panoramic shots of the house, and I have mixed feelings about it, so I thought I'd write you to tell you.
I think the work you had done on renovating the house was wonderfully done, and made the house much more practical and modern, and while it's nice to have these pictures of the house, in my memory the house is fixed at the point when I knew it best around 1990, before you renovated it to its current form. The house is wonderful now as it is, but it always felt like more of a mystery in its previous form, which is something I loved about it. I always felt like it was possible to get lost in your house, and I think that's a wonderful thing to feel about a house you know fairly well.
I will miss this house because of what it meant to me then, and because I have gotten so used to seeing all of you in it. As I told you yesterday about my grandmother's house, it hurt to not be able to see her again in her house before she left, as she and the house were so closely associated in my mind that they were inseparable, and seeing her anywhere else was always kind of an odd experience for me. It will probably be much the same with coming to visit you in your new location. It will be strange knowing there won't be any more cookouts in your yard, no sitting on the grass or on the porch and enjoying the beautiful roses that grow up the side of the house, but I know that seeing the two of you, regardless of the location of of where you reside, will still be a wonderful experience in itself, as it always is. Still, those times in the late 1980s and early 1990s are where my memory is indexed in regards to this house, much the way that the index of my grandparents and their house is based around 1986-1987, the years I spent the most time there as an older more independent teenager. I think there is a point to objects, places or people in life where you are enamored of that something to a high regard and still oblivious to whatever faults or downsides it might have, and that becomes the zenith point of your memory of that thing.
I feel we have a lot of things we will still talk about, and where I've been remiss in visiting you and spending time with you, I will remedy that in the coming years. I feel it will be impossible to repay the kindness you have always shown me, even when I was a less-understanding young man, but I hope our conversations can show how much I have learned from you and your family in the time we've known each other. Even if I can but approximate the level of parenting you displayed in raising your wonderful children, I have no doubt my child will turn out fine.
[FInal Closing paragraph left off because of boring stuff. :)]
Object Association
Object association is one of the most common forms of memorization, and is often attached to emotional experiences. It's a very normal as well as vital process to be able to associate emotionally with an object, as most people are unable to process object memorization without it. The air of mystery you associated with that house sounds like a process you went through of self-discovery, and the house was symbolic of that. It's good to remember those things -- knowing where you come from is so vital to understanding where you're going.
It's been my experience and it is my opinion that men in particular need to have objects associated with emotional processes, because it's so rare that men feel comfortable expressing themselves in any sentimental or emotional way. Objects are one of the few "acceptable" ways for men to do that. I was always stunned at the things men remember about incidents and situations that I had simply allowed to pass, good and bad, and I realized that it in part had to do with some tangible thing that sparked their memories.
In a way, I envy it. It's a lovely form of psychometry that has a somewhat tragic aspect. Objects become conduits for men, and in many cases, it's the only thing they have permission to carry after something (or someone) is gone.
I think it's really admirable that you made that connection. I think it's really great you made a connection outside of that house, using the house as a springboard for finding the things within you that are important to understand and reconnect with. It serves everyone around you to have that sentiment, and I am happy you shared it.
I wish more people would.
Re: Object Association
Re: Object Association
Re: Object Association
Re: Object Association